For many years I had been looking outside myself for the jewel, the evidence, the promised land and little did I know that my quest was one that never quenched my thirst. I was looking in all the wrong places and became hungrier and hungrier and more and more desperate.
I looked in relationships, drugs, alcohol, credit cards, bank loans - you name it and to no avail. Heaven was not in any of those places even though they enticed me in and promised me something that they could never forfill.
Each step I took searching in these places stripped me more of the pieces of my soul. I was becoming weak, disempowered, vulnerable and physically poorly. The evidence that I was looking in all the wrong places was rife in my life. Did I find heaven? No, all I found was hell. So many times I wanted to give up and surrender my life into the hands of the angels. Give up my physical existence.
The only thing that kept me earthbound was my beautiful daughter and my dog. I really did have many very dark times that I could quite easily I’ve just slipped away. But how could I leave them behind?
I couldn’t of course but what I could do was keep searching but this time, turn my focus “within“. Instead of looking to the outside to bring me the love and healing I so craved. I decided to turn the search within and this was the day was the day that heaven became a viable option to me. It became visible and offered a glimmer of light that shone through the darkness. It now became something that was tangible rather than a pipe dream.
The journey within began and my steps towards heaven revealed themselves to me one by one. Turning it all around was tough in itself but each bit of blood and sweat was worth it.
I discovered what the power of going within really means. I now understand that the level of love I receive in my life as a direct reflection of the level of love that I give myself. If I abuse myself and look for heaven in short-term fixes how is that loving myself? The day that I started to learn to love and respect myself my world started to mirror that love and respect back to me.
That is why self-help journey has been one of my saving graces and the miracle I spent years praying for. I realised that I am my magic wand and if I wanted my will to change, I would need to be the change that I wanted to see.